T.I.L.T #128, Friday, 13th February, 2015 

HAPPY V-DAY!

Hello again faithful readers and listeners, and thank you for all the positive feedback last week to the relaunch my world-famous blogcast T.I.L.T.! There’s nothing like being praised for my oh-so-self-less self promotion, so yes, please love me, stroke my ego and stoke my feelings of self-worth. I can’t imagine a better way to go into the V-Day weekend! And I don’t mean Veteran’s Day — a much more worthy holiday — no, I mean that holiday of love, romance, and expressing your affections with outpourings of your wallet in the forms of fancy dinners, flowers, and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates: Valentine’s Day!

Ah, Valentine’s Day, yes, the true romantic’s holiday named after Christianity’s favorite martyr of love, Saint Valentine. Who was this Valentine? Why was he a Saint? And what does he have to do with love? Truth is nobody knows! Or to be exact, Wikipedia offers nothing but conflicting legends of dubious origins. A most popular one says Valentine was a priest in ancient Rome who was sentenced to die because he secretly helped soldiers get married. You see, the emperor at the time thought married men didn’t make good soldiers, besides, gay marriage was still illegal in the Roman colony of Alabamacus.

The legend continues that Valentine was a saint because he healed his jailor’s daughter of her ‘blindness’ before he was executed and left her a letter signed ‘Your Valentine’. I think ‘blindness’ is a euphemism for, well, you know, ‘showing her the light’. I wonder what the letter said? Perhaps it was the first Valentine’s card with a romantic poem and a touching sentiment like:

“Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Sorry to die,

But thanks for the screw.

Eat some chocolate, you’ll feel better.

Your Valentine”

Anyway, one thing is for sure though, what a day for chocolate sales! 48 million pounds of chocolate is sold in the week leading up to Valentine’s Day. If you think that’s a lot, well, I’m afraid the King of Christian martyrs of love, Jesus, has got Saint Valentine beat by a ton with chocolate sales for Easter hitting 71 million pounds. Of course that’s nothing compared to Halloween which tops the scales with 90 million pounds. Sorry, Saint and King of Saints, I guess Beelzebub has a better marketing team.

Not that it matters, I doubt Valentine or Jesus, or even Saint Nikolaus for that matter, ever ate chocolate or even heard of chocolate before they got to heaven where billions of pounds of chocolate are eaten every second — chocolate didn’t make it across the ocean from the Americas until the 16th century. It was the British in the 18th century that first popularized giving cards and chocolates as a sign of affection. My favorite example of an early Valentine’s card reads:

“Roses art reddeth

Violets art blueth,

If I gaveth thee chocolate,

Canst we then screweth?”

Ah, those Elizabethan poets sure had a way with words. Wait a second, weren’t Elizabethans in the 16th century? Ah, who cares, Shakespeare still said it best with the immortal lines:

“A rose by any other name would still smell as chocolatey.”

OK, now I’m just getting silly, I admit it, but I have love on my brain since it’s the day before Valentine’s, and like most real romantic men in the world, I haven’t prepared at all. I’ve got less than 24 hours to come up with something special for my Darling Dear and I must say I’m a bit stumped. You see, we still got a box full of leftover Christmas chocolate we can’t seem to eat our way through despite nightly bingeing. I buy her flowers almost every week ‘just because’. And for some reason I fear my poetry might not quite leave her swooning. I did try to write one:

“Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Eat me, not the chocolate,

And then we can screw.”

Hmmm. No, I think not. There’s always cliché sexy underwear or lingerie to be bought to express your true feelings on Valentine’s, but my Darling Dear just bought herself some a couple of days ago with the credit card we are never-ever-ever-ever-supposed-to-use-even-if-our-lives-depend-on-it.

Hmmmm. Wait a second, maybe I should get her a heart-shaped credit card! I’m sure she would love that. Believe it or not, they exist. Google it. But is mere money for frivolous spending the right way to express my affection? (‘YES, YES! FRIVOLOUS SPENDING, PLEASE! ’, I hear my Darling Dear scream in my sub-conscious imagination which I promptly ignore.) No, no, that’s just too unimaginative, too unromantic. (‘NO IT’S NOT!’ she screams.) I mean if I’m going to give her money it would at least be better in the form of jewelry, yes? (‘JEWELRY! WOOHOO!’) Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, right? (‘DIAMONDS! SWOON! SWOON, SWOON, SWOON!’) But we just got married last year, diamonds and all, so who needs more diamonds? (‘YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DIAMONDS!’) Hmmm. What to do, what to do . . . maybe a cookbook? (‘NOOOOOOOO! DIAMONDS!’) Or a nice scarf? (‘IT’S NOT CHRISTMAS, DAMMIT!’) I just don’t know. (‘AAHHIIIEECCHH!’) What was that noise? Hmmm, anyway, I guess the most important thing is to somehow show her I love her, to make her feel special and important, which doesn’t take any artifices like gifts. (‘SIGH.’) Maybe poetry still is the best way. Something short and sweet and from the heart, like:

“Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Thanks for your heart,

Which I love true.”

(‘SWOON!’)

Okay, faithful readers and listeners, until next week when I’ll try to explain the trials and tribulations of trying to build a website with easy-to-use-and-easy-to-understand subscription features so I can hook you on my T.I.L.T. brilliance and eventually pump you full of ads to make me rich so I can drown my Darling Dear in diamonds! Happy Valentine’s Day!

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