Red alert! Red Alert! Donald Trump is not an American!

OK, so he was born in New York, but his mother is from Scotland and his grandparents are German!  His family name was originally ‘Drumpf’ which for those of you who speak German sounds like a strange sock or a stupid smurf.

What’s more, most of his multiple wives have also not been born on American soil but rather in exotic eastern Europe famous for super models and dare I say socialism! His first wife’s name was Ivana, which to me sounds a lot like Osama, or even worse, Obama!

The horror, the horror!

And this man wants to be President of the USA riding a platform of anti-immigrants and bigots who seem to think that if you’re Muslim or Mexican you’re a terrorist or rapist?

Seriously, has anybody checked his birth certificate? Maybe he wasn’t born in New York at all but actually on a boat from backwards Europe!

He actually lied about his heritage claiming his family was originally from Sweden. Apparently something is wrong with Scotland or Germany or he just also has an affinity for super Swedish models. Who knows.

All I know is that I find it stunning that this man has somehow captured the collective imagination of people who preach that they are somehow more American than other Americans because they are not immigrants. Which makes zero sense because the only people in America who are not immigrants are the Native Americans already fenced in on their reservations!

Really, when did such a large part of America become so incredibly stupid? I left America in 2001 and I can only say that since 9/11 there has been a steady seismic shift in the way America seems to view the world through more and more myopic glasses. The whole ‘you’re either with us or against us’ hyperbolic flag-waving-get-rid-of-all-the-foreigners mentality is frighteningly reminiscent of good old Germany of the 1930’s.

Hey, wait a second, maybe Donald Drumpf would be the perfect President of the United States of Anti-Immigrants . . .

Just imagine, President Drumpf striding up the podium to give a speech at the United Nations in New York City. He stops and runs his fingers through his toupee (which he also lies about), and then puts on a big red-white-and-blue baseball cap emblazoned with the words ‘I RULE’. He grins wide his unnaturally white teeth and speaks . . .

“Whoa, look at all the brown people in here – quick, somebody call homeland security! Ha, ha, ha. I’m just kidding, I know you all can’t help it that you’re not lucky enough to be American. But don’t worry, as President of the USA I know that I am also President of the World and need to take care of all who are unfortunate not to be American. And today I am proud to announce that I have a plan for world peace that will integrate us all! I hereby announce the annexation of all the countries of the world into the United States of Drumpf! Yes, there will be no more countries, no more wars, just a giant global resort with free golf for all! The first step will be converting this United Nations building into my new headquarters called Drumpf Tower! Then we will create billions of jobs for all based on a simple scheme: the more sunscreen you need to not get a sunburn the higher up you will live in the tower since you will need more money for all that sunscreen. The less sunscreen you need the lower you can live in the tower or in the dungeon if you get my drift. Then we will have a Miss Drumpf beauty contest to make sure all the best women also get to ride to the top if you know what I mean, heh, heh! It will the greatest society in the history of the world — it will be bold, it will be big, it will be Drumpf!”

Hmmmm. Think I’m joking? The way things are going in the polls right now, it might not be as crazy as it sounds. Thankfully there is a whole more year of campaigning left before the election to hope that America might come to its senses. Or a whole more year to get nuttier and nuttier. Dare I say, Drumpfier…?

OK, T.I.L.T. fans, that’s it this week from Germany, where a pro-immigration government and society are welcoming the poor, tired, huddled, masses of refugees. A truly inspiring thing to behold given the history of Germany. Hmmm, all we are missing is a Statue of Liberty.

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